AN: My back to school fic! I don’t want to go back to school!!!! I like summer even though it’s not even hot here!! Anyway, I’ve always liked this song. It’s so bittersweet. Anyway, hope you enjoy. It’s fairly short.

Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam Wing. And I certainly do not own the song. It belongs to whoever wrote it and Son by 4. It’s called The Purest of Pain.

Reasons

She knew, as soon as she picked up the phone, that she shouldn’t be doing it. She should have put the phone down when she had the chance. But she didn’t. And the truth was that she didn’t want to. She wanted— needed—to hear his voice. Her heartbeat quickened when the line began to ring. She shook her head and bit her lip. Just for a second, she told herself. She only needed to hear his voice for one second and that would be it. That would be it.

But who was she kidding? She knew that it would not be enough.

“Hello?”

Her breath caught in her throat and she bit her lip to keep the squeak from coming out of her mouth. She shut her eyes tightly and put her other hand on her mouth.

“Hello?” said the man’s voice. It sounded annoyed now. No longer questioning as it had been when he’d first answered. “Hello? Listen, whoever it is, you need to stop this shit. I know you’re there, I can hear you breathe! Don’t call anymore, you asshole!” he yelled and hung up.

Hilde held the phone to her ear still and tried to calm her breathing. She didn’t know when the sniffling had started, and she certainly didn’t know when the tears had started to slowly leak from her eyes. She put the phone down and wiped at her eyes, but the tears wouldn’t stop.

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to call you but I couldn’t fight it

I guess I was weak and couldn’t even hide it

And so I surrendered just to hear your voice

Just to hear your voice

I know how many times I said I’m gonna live without you

And maybe someone else standing there beside you

But there’s something, baby, that you need to know

That deep inside me, I feel like I’m dying

I have to see you, it’s all that I’m asking

She shouldn’t call again. She couldn’t call again, but with a will of its own, her hand picked up the phone again and her fingers began to dial the number again. This time she held her breath as the line rang once, twice and then he answered on the third ring.

“Hello?” he said angrily.

The tears threatened to overwhelm her but this time, instead of keeping quiet she did the unthinkable. “Hi,” she said breathily.

There was a pause on the other line and then a hesitant, “Hilde?”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have called. I’m so sorry,” she said. She was determined to hang up when she heard him say her name again.

Baby, give me back my fantasies

The courage that I need to live

The air that I breathe

Baby without you my world’s become so empty

The days are so cold and lonely

Each night I taste the purest of pain

“Hilde, wait!” he said desperately. “Let’s talk for a little while, okay?”

She closed her eyes momentarily. “Okay,” she answered. She just knew he could hear her crying. She tried to keep her sniffling to a minimum but she wasn’t’ doing a very good job of it.

“H—how are you?” he asked hesitantly.

“Not very well,” she said painfully, truthfully. “I wish I was doing better, I really wish I could tell you I’m feeling good. I’m sorry to be calling you. I didn’t even ask if you were busy. Or if you were with somebody.” She was very ashamed of herself right then. He’d moved out three weeks ago but she still felt as if it had been yesterday.

I wish I could tell you I’m feeling better every day

That it didn’t hurt when you walked away

But to tell you the truth I can’t find my way

That deep inside me, I feel like I’m dying

I have to see you, it’s all that I’m asking, baby

“I know. It’s weird to be talking like this after… what happened,” he said thoughtfully.

“I really am sorry I called. It’s just that it h—hurts so much to be without you,” her voice quivering with her tears.

“Oh, Hilde, please don’t cry. You know I hate it when you cry. I feel… so helpless when you cry, Hilde. Please. I’m sorry I made you cry.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s all my fault, isn’t it? That’s why you left? Why you walked away?”

“It was a lot of things, Hilde. It was me, it was you and everything else that went wrong. And I’m really sorry that you’re feeling like this.”

He’d apologized. But for what? She should probably be the one apologizing. Even though all this was tearing her apart. She knew that this was hurting her more than it was hurting him. And it was all her fault. She’d done something wrong.

Baby, give me back my fantasies

The courage that I need to live

The air that I breathe

Baby without you my world’s become so empty

The days are so cold and lonely

Each night I taste the purest of pain

“Please tell me what I did wrong,” she pleaded. “I don’t want to lose you. Please?”

She heard him sigh. “Hilde, don’t do this. You know I’m not coming back. Don’t hurt yourself this way. It wasn’t anything either of us did. You didn’t do any—“

“Then what was it?” she asked desperately. “If it wasn’t me, then just please tell me what it was because it’s killing me! Not knowing is killing me. I wake up one day and you tell me that’s it’s over after so many years together and you don’t even tell me why!” she cried.

“I’m sorry—“

“No! I don’t want your apology. I already have that! I want to know your reasons. I want to know the reason why I cant’ sleep at night, why you’re not with me anymore, the reason why I’m hurting so much? Please just tell me,” she begged him.

Baby, give me back my fantasies

The courage that I need to live

The air that I breathe

Baby without you my world’s become so empty

The days are so cold and lonely

Each night I taste the purest of pain

She sighed when he didn’t say anything more. Damn it! She thought. “Why don’t you love me anymore?”

“Damn it, Hilde!” he cursed. “Please just stop it.”

“Forget it,” she sighed.

Baby, give me back my fantasies

The courage that I need to love

The air that I breathe

“I’m sorry I called. It was a moment of weakness. And I just… really needed to hear your voice,” she said and hung up the phone.

The flood of tears came back but this time she didn’t try to stop it. She was hurting and her tears were a sign of it. She just wished she knew why she was hurting so much. Being left in the dark about his reasons left her feeling empty and confused.

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to call you but I couldn’t fight it

I guess I was weak and couldn’t even hide it

And so I surrendered just to hear your voice…

She couldn’t do this to herself anymore. She needed to let it go. She needed to let him go. Hilde wiped her tears away and got a tissue for her nose. As she was about to get up from the couch the phone began to ring.

With one last sniffle she picked it up and answered it. “Hello?”

“Can I come over? Please?”

Her eyes widened in surprise. “Duo?”

The End.

AN: Please r&r! I don’t know if I’ll be able to work on my writing once I go back to school. All those damn biological science classes are killing me! Science has never been my forte. I’ve always been into language arts, literature and English classes more than math and science!