AN: I wish this had been out sooner and I wish it was longer, but oh well. There’s not much interaction in the fic yet but wait a while. And besides, I said that this fic was more about delving into their minds and seeing what they were thinking more than anything. Anyway, chapter is short, but I also warned about that. Anyway, I hope that you enjoy this. I'm tired and didn't really feel like checking the grammar and stuff, so please excuse any mistakes, it's almost one thirty in the moring and I've been up since six.

Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin and all of its characters belong to Nobuhiro Watsuki, not me. It’s sad, I know.

Chapter Three: The Monster You Are

As much as she loved him, she could not help but wish to never see him. Anything to alleviate the burden of guilt her heart carried. She loved him but the love was tainted with guilt. She knew she should not love him, but who can tell the hart whom it can and cannot love? Misao wiped her brow with the back of her hand. It was quite hot in the Aoiya and wiping down the tables was not helping her mood. It seemed that Aoshi was all she could think of nowadays. She scoffed. Who did she think she was kidding? Aoshi was all she could think of for the past few years. Since she’d grown out of that infantile crush on him and it had matured into love. Unrequited as it was. Why were emotions so confusing? Why were there so many versions of the same feeling? She was sure her life would be much easier if she didn’t love anybody, or anything. If she didn’t have such strong sense of loyalty than she would be free to love Aoshi. Where did one draw the line? Was she wrong to deny her heart what it desired most? What did her heart want? She felt unsure now. “I don’t know anymore,” she whispered to herself. She wasn’t sure she knew herself anymore. There were times when she felt like shouting to the world that she loved him, but her loyalty was too strong. She couldn’t love him anymore. He had rejected them, everything that he had held dear to his heart on his senseless quest to be the best. The best in what? The best fighter? When the world and Japan no longer honored their type of fighting? When the world now no longer strong men who knew about honor and who were willing to sacrifice their lives for the sake of what was right? The world was changing and there was very little of that left.

In this new era, where honor was no longer as valuable as it had once been, could she uphold hers? Could she place, and keep, her honor above everything else, including the desires of her heart? IT was getting harder and harder every day to turn away from him and act as if she did not care when all she wanted to do was run her hands through his hair and taste his lips through his kisses. She longed for the touch of his hands on her body, for the heat she knew his body could offer. But she could never bring herself to act upon her love. Or her lust. She had to be strong because he was not deserving of those things.

With a frustrated sigh she once again began to wipe down the tables in the restaurant, not even aware that she had stopped. She felt the sting of tears behind her closed eyelid. She stood up straight and took deep breaths. She would not cry for him, for what he so selfishly, so easily, and perhaps unknowingly, discarded. She would keep her emotions in check. She loved him with all of her heart and soul but she would never give him her heart again. She couldn’t.

He watched her from the doorway silently. She would wipe down the table and she would stop, her actions were so erratic that he wondered what was going on inside her head. Her expression was so guarded at the moment, and it made him ache for the old Misao. The one who wore her heart on her sleeve for him. He had made up his mind the night before to do anything in his power to have her, but now, having her so close his resolve all but vanished. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It took all of his strength and will power to perform the simple act of clearing his throat to get her attention.

Misao straightened from her position and looked quickly at the doorway. If she were no so practiced in the ways of keeping her emotions inside she may have called him Aoshi-sama like she used to. And there stood her Aoshi-sama in all his morning glory with his sleeping yukata on but not a hair out of place and not a sign of sleep in his eyes. He looked perfect, like he always did. She looked him in the eyes defiantly, wondering what he would do next. “Yes?” she asked simply and without emotion.

The looked at each other, straight in the eye. Neither one of them wanting to be the first to look away, and wanting nothing more than for everything that stood between them to disappear.

It took him a long time to answer. He didn’t know how long he stood there just looking at her, but after a few moments her answered in the calmest voice he could muster, “Do you need any help?”

Emotions welled up in her chest and it took all of her will not to show any outward sign that she had been affected by his words. Yes, she needed help, but not cleaning or wiping the tables. She needed help on trying to keep her emotions to herself, keeping herself detached from. And who better to help her than the king of ice himself, but she could not, would not, bring herself to accept anything from him. She would never again leave herself open for him to reject or hurt her again. “No,” she said coldly and turned herself around quickly starting her task all over again and doing her best to ignore his imposing presence behind her.

He would have sighed at the obvious dismissal if he had not known that it would be of no use. These are the consequences of your actions. His mind screamed at him. Shaking his head he turned around and left the way he came. There will be other opportunities. He walked to his room to gather his bathing things and headed for the bath house. His chest felt heavy and his head was filled with thoughts he didn’t know what to do with. Lamenting was of no use, this he already knew. But he didn’t know what else to do. He wanted her, and he would do anything to have her but the problem was that he didn’t know where to start. How did one go about something like this? How did one make someone who once loved you, love you once again? How did one turn hatred into love? He guessed in the same way that love had turned into hatred. He stepped into the warm water after washing and rolled the aching muscles of his shoulders. The always ached, and so did his neck. It had to be the lack of sleep every night. But that was his penance. Sleepless nights were nothing compared to the anger and hurt he’d caused the ones who loved him. His penance for being blind and abandoning his honor in pursuit of selfish glory. He was guilty of having too much pride. He took a deep breath hoping to calm himself. Maybe he should head down to the temple and meditate. He hadn’t done that in a while, and maybe it would help him figure some things out.

He thought back to earlier that morning when he had seen Misao cleaning the tables. He felt worthless being in her presence. How could he have ever even entertained the thought of having her by his side when she was so much better than himself? He wanted nothing more than to gain back all that he had lost, but he didn’t know how to do it. It would never be the same, he knew that, but he wished that things could be better than they were now. He longed for the feel of Misao’s breath against his lips, the warmth of her hands on his body. He longed to feel her pressed against him, not in a sexual way but in a loving embrace that had nothing to do with lust. He just needed her warmth, her innocence. He needed to be cleansed of his sins. He was guilty of many sins but was he not deserving of forgiveness too?

How could he just stand there and look at her with those eyes of his? How dare he offer to help her? He couldn’t have known what that small, simple little encounter had done to her. He couldn’t have known how the richness of his voice had sent shivers down her spine and made her skin rise up in goose bumps.

Misao fisted her hand and slammed it against the surface of the table she was cleaning, the same one she had been cleaning all morning. “Damn you! Why do you do this to me? Why do I still react this way when your near?” she whispered into the empty restaurant. She was only too glad the rest of the household had not woken yet because she was seething.

Her walls were ready to come down, to crumble. She would hate herself for the rest of her life if she gave in. She couldn’t love him anymore. He had hurt so many people. It was wrong to love such a person. It was wrong to love Shinomori Aoshi more than anything, more than life itself.

Why was it so hard to expel him from her heart? Why was it so painful to even try?

“I will not become your victim again. I will not let my love for you cloud my judgement as it once did,” she promised to the empty room. “I’ve seen and felt what you can do. I’ve seen the real you, I’ve seen what you really are behind those eyes and that calm exterior. You’re a monster and I can’t love you. But I can’t help myself.”

Tbc…

AN: I can already tell this isn’t going to be a happy story. That’s not to say it won’t have a happy ending… and I’m not promising a happy ending either! Anyway, please review.