Disclaimer: I own Rurouni Kenshin… I really, really, really, really do! It’s sitting on my shelf as we speak… really! All those DVDs are mine! Hey! Hey, wait! Don’t run away! I’m serious! I really do own it!

Prologue

Misao ran as fast as her feet could carry her. She had to make it. Don’t die, Jiya, Aoshi-sama. She thought. She had to make it in time. Her heart was pounding in her ears and her side was starting to cramp, but she didn’t stop. She couldn’t stop. Her eyes widened and her heart almost stopped when she opened the door of the cabin. “I made it in time!”

A smile formed on her lips as she saw the two men still standing, but her joy quickly faded when she saw the blood rush from Okina’s mouth and his tonfa fall to the floor.

“It’s over...” Aoshi said stoically.

All she could do was stare at Okina’s broken, battered body. Her mind could not believe it. Her eyes widened as Aoshi brushed by her, as if she weren’t there, and out the door. She stared at Okina’s body on the floor then turned around facing Aoshi’s retreating back.

“Aoshi-sama!” she yelled after him, her chest still heaving. Her heart beating at a frantic pace.

Aoshi stopped for a second but did not turn around to look at her.

“Why...why?”

“Get lost. Never show yourself in front of me again,” he said in a cold tone.

All Misao could do was stare at him. This could not be her Aoshi-sama. This wasn’t the Aoshi-sama she loved and trusted her life to as a child.

“Tell Battousai that I’ll be waiting for him with Shishio.” With that said, Aoshi walked away from the teenager, not looking back at the devastated girl or her broken heart.

Chapter 1: Defeated by You

Aoshi walked through the halls of the Aoiya. To everyone there his presence seemed forced, unnatural even. Like the presence of a ghost haunting the place where the physical body died. No one was glad he was there, but then again no one wanted him to leave. Maybe no one knew he existed anymore.

His actions against Okina, though forgiven, were an ever present reminder to everyone of what power could do to you. Of what it had done to their once beloved Okashira. His actions against Battousai had also been forgiven by him and all those around him. But they had not been forgiven, nor forgotten, by Aoshi himself. And there was one more person who had not forgotten or forgiven him for his actions. Misao.

She was far from a child when he had seen her again all those years ago outside that cabin. And she was even further now. At twenty, Misao was a stunning young woman. She was beautiful, smart, and overall a very good catch for any available young man.

Yet she remained unmarried. He had to wonder why. Her spirit was the same as always, as bright and carefree as any child’s, though she was a child no longer. And he could not help but notice that she was a full grown woman. But he had to wonder again at the fact that she wasn’t married. Yet.

A nagging feeling, a familiar one, popped up in the back of his mind whenever he thought of Misao. It always raised the same questions. He was distracted from his thoughts, however, by Misao herself. She was sliding the door to her bedroom closed just as he was passing by. They’re stares locked, but was almost immediately broken when she turned her gaze away. She walked by him without so much as a backward glance at him.

Yes, she was as bright and carefree as always, just not with him. Never with him. Not anymore.

To everyone in the Aoiya she was the same old Misao. Always joking, laughing and being happy. But it had been many years since Aoshi had last heard Misao joke with him, laugh with him. That pleasure was reserved for everyone but him. To the inhabitants of the Aoiya, Misao had grown up, but had retained her lighthearted nature, but to him, that Misao was long gone. Replaced with a grown up woman whose face looked as if it would break if she tried to smile.

And he longed for the other Misao. The one who loved him. The one who laughed with him even though he never laughed aloud with her. He longed for Misao to acknowledge he was back home. He wanted her to talk to him, even if she was cold and distant when she did so. But she didn’t. And she had not spoken to him since he’d fought Okina. He would never forget her last words to him, words that rang in his head over and over again like bells in his nightmares . Why? Why? Why?

Her voice echoed in his mind like a twisted mantra. Why? Why? Why? He shook his head. It did him no good to think about his. It would change nothing, he knew that because thinking about this for the last four years hadn’t done anything about it.

Briefly, he wondered if he should confront her about it. It being their relationship, or lack there of. He also briefly wondered about her. What went on in her head. If she ever thought about salvaging what was left of the two of them. What was left of him.

If there was one thing he knew, and that all those in the Aioya knew, was that he wasn’t the same as before. He was not a whole man, but a shell of his former self. The shell of a man that no one seemed to want to help. Yes, all those around him held respect, and deep down he was still their Okashira, but no one helped him. No one wanted to know him anymore.

He wished he hadn’t been blinded by revenge and pettiness. He wished he hadn’t been blinded by his want to be the best. He wasn’t the best. And he knew that now. And it had destroyed a part of him. A big part, and not all of it had been pride. Yet no one bothered to ask him. Certainly not the one person he wished to help him. To heal him. To restore that part of him he’d lost. To return his spirit to his body so he could stop wandering aimlessly through life.

*~*~*~*~*

It was hard. No one knew how hard it had been to hold back with him. How hard it was to be near him all the time and not throw herself at him. He’d crushed her in more than one way that day four years ago. And since then, she’d been keeping a tight leash on her feelings. She loved him deeply, but she didn’t think he deserved that love. He’d betrayed them. Okina, herself, and their friends. He sworn he was doing it for them but that’s not what they wanted. That’s not why they died.

She wished they could put it behind them. But she couldn’t. And he couldn’t. She never thought she was capable of holding a grudge, but the one she held ran too deep. She didn’t deny loving Aoshi, and she would even admit that she had turned away young men because of his memory. But she could not undo the damage.

Her emotions were twisted into a knot that would not give way. Her love, her compassion, her forgiveness, were intermingled and coiled tightly with each other to the point where she didn’t know which was which.

Misao desperately wanted to give up her facade and tell him she loved him.

But she didn’t know if that would be betraying herself. Her honor as a friend, a family member.

Misao smiled sadly at herself and wondered when she had become like him.

Tbc…

AN: Please be gentle when reviewing, this is my first Rurouni Kenshin fic. I hope you guys liked it. And there is supposed to be a page break between “wandering aimlessly through life” and “it was hard” but for some reason it’s now showing up. I hate when the format gets screwed up! And there’s a funky kind of html thingy in the middle of this and I don’t know why… Anyway, please review! I know this is short, but rest assured that I will continue this and I’ll do my best to keep it up to your expectations.