A/N: Whew! We’re back to the usual perspective… HERS. I’ll probably play again with HIS perspective but that would be in the next chapters, not sure yet though.

Disclaimer: There is no growth without change, no change without fear or loss, and no loss without pain.

Altered Memory

Chapter 4 – Part II: The Evening After

“It’s all right, Kaoru. You were having a bad dream.” The hard hand released her and he stepped back.

She remembered then, the long hours working in the vineyard, her determination to show Kenshin he was wrong about her, that she wasn’t afraid of hard work, his furious arrival and her humiliating collapse at his feet. Mortified color flooded her cheeks. What must he think of her now, lying here in leisure?

“I’m sorry,” she gasped. “It was stupid of me to pass out like that. What time is it? Yoshida–” She tried to sit up, but found she could hardly move, certainly too weak to resist when Kenshin pushed her back against the pillows.

“Don’t worry about Yoshida, she’s safely tucked in bed. You’ve been unconscious for hours. It’s nearly morning now.”

“Nearly morning! But what are you–”

“Someone had to stay with you,” he said curtly. “At least until you regained consciousness.”

His tome implied he would have done as much for a dog and stung Kaoru into betraying a trace of bitterness as she retorted, “I’m sure it went against the grain when that duty fell to you, but as you can see, I’m perfectly all right now and can only apologize for being such a nuisance.”

“It was the least I could do,” he said distantly, “when I was the one responsible for your collapse.” He turned away towards the window, pulling the curtain aside to stare outside.

If that was meant to be an apology, Kaoru thought, it was hardly a gracious one. But he surprised when, without turning around, he said, “For god’s sake, Kaoru! Why weren’t you honest with me? Why didn’t you tell me the true circumstances behind your arrival here? I could have done you irreparable damage overstraining you like that.”

She stared at his rigid back incredulously, a slow anger beginning to burn in her. “I have never, ever, told you anything but the truth. I told you I was a fully trained nurse, I also told you I’d taken on the job of looking after your aunt while I recuperated after an accident, but you chose to disbelieve me on both counts, obviously preferring your own lurid version of the kind of life I’ve been leading for the past years.”

She saw his hand gripping the curtain tighten. “All right, I disbelieved you, but for so long now–” He bit off what he was going to say and turned to face her. “But did you have to go on making a fool of me when you could so easily have proved you were telling the truth?”

Kaoru closed her eyes, trying to decide what he was accusing her of now. “Would you mind telling me how was I supposed to do that when you weren’t prepared to believe anything I said?”

“By suggesting I check your credentials with Dr. Genzai,” he said impatiently. “So why didn’t you?”

It would have been the logical thing to do, she conceded to herself. So why hadn’t she? Because in defending herself, she would have exposed her stepfather’s version of what happened after her trial as false, and she hadn’t been prepared to do that.

“And then there was your evasiveness about your precious job and the exact nature of your supposed accident. You can’t blame me for being suspicious. You may have claim to have been honest with me, Kaoru, but you weren’t completely honest. If you had been, you wouldn’t be lying there now looking like a ghost.”

She closed her eyes. Truth to tell, she felt like a ghost, her limbs heavy and lethargic, and her head light, barely in touch with reality. “I don’t blame you for anything,” she said tiredly. “I readily admit I brought everything on myself.”

The violence of the oath he swore had her eyes opening wide in apprehension. “So why didn’t you tell me the whole truth?” he demanded. “That you’ve been working for Dr. Genzai’s international relief agency for the last six years? That you’re one of his most selfless and dedicated nurses – his words, not mine – that you’ve worked for the agency in all the trouble spots of the world, risking your life time and time again? That your so-called ‘accident’ was actually being caught in a shell blast in the fighting in Beirut? My aunt knew all this, so why was I kept in ignorance?” He had moved closer to the bed and was standing over her, and instinctively, she flinched away from him.

He had either persuaded Yoshida to tell him the full story or he had got it from Dr. Genzai, but knowing the truth didn’t seem to have made his antagonism any less. She could feel the anger in him, and it tightened her own tension unbearably.

“I don’t know… I was here to do a job – look after your aunt – and I just wanted to get on with it without any fuss.” She turned her head away to hide the tears that were squeezing between her closed lids. But he had already seen them.

“Oh god! I didn’t mean to make you cry. I shouldn’t be making you talk either. Dr. Taseki says you’re suffering from complete exhaustion and must rest.” Something soft brushed her face and she was startled to realize he was wiping her tears away with his own handkerchief. “Is there anything I can get you before I leave you to sleep?”

“If I could just have a drink of water.” Her eyes flicked up at him warily.

He poured water into a glass and one strong arm lifted her easily from the pillows. She didn’t know whether it was her own weakness or Kenshin’s closeness that made her teeth rattle against the glass, she only knew she found his gentle touch disturbing. That was when she noticed the bandages on her hands.

Frowning at them in puzzlement, she said, “What’s the matter with my hands?”

“They were rubbed raw by the hoe,” Kenshin said tightly, seeing again the bleeding, broken blisters. “Are you in pain?”

Kaoru shook her head. Even if she had been, she wouldn’t have told him for that anger was back, obliterating his momentary kindness. In fact, she felt numb from head to toe. Her eyelids closed as she fell asleep within seconds, unaware of the man who continued to stare down at her, a mixture of anger and compassion in his face.

---

The sparrows squabbling in the thatch woke her as they did every morning. She glanced at the clock and saw it was nearly 8:00. She’d overslept! In a few minutes, Yoshida would be expecting her breakfast. It took a tremendous effort to throw back the covers and swing her legs out of bed, and when she tried to stand, they felt like jelly, the room swinging crazily around her. Grabbing the chair Kenshin had been sitting in the night before to steady herself, she waited for the dizziness and nausea to subside.

“What the hell are you doing out of bed?” Kenshin’s furious voice from the door demanded.

“Yoshida–” she began, then thought she saw his face tighten at the familiarity, though it was hard to be sure because his figure seem to be wavering about. “Mrs. Soseki,” she corrected herself. “I’m late–”

“Meg can see to my aunt today, and for as long as necessary. Dr. Taseki said you were to stay in bed until you were fully recovered.” Before she could argue, he had swept her off her feet and dumped her back in bed.

She began to protest but he cut her off with a savage, “For pity’s sake, you crazy woman! You’ll do as you’re told.”

Hot color flooded her cheeks and she would have been afraid to make another effort had the need not been so pressing. “But I need to go to the bathroom,” she said in a small voice.

Incredibly, a dark red crept over his cheekbones and he looked suddenly uncertain. “I’ll fetch Meg,” he said and turned on his heel.

Meg clucked around her like a mother hen, brushing aside her protests at the trouble she was causing, coaxing her into eating the food she had prepared. That Kenshin Himura’s credit had gone down in her estimation, she made obvious before she left.

And this worried Kaoru. She had been speaking the truth the night before when she had told Kenshin she didn’t blame him for her collapse. It was hardly his fault if he had believed her stepfather’s tale and the fact that she hadn’t given him a full account of how she came to be in his aunt’s house musty have made him feel his suspicions of her motives were justified. So it was the last thing she wanted, to know she was the cause of ill-feeling between Kenshin and his family.

Her discomfort was even greater later on when Yoshida came to sit with her. “You’re still very pale, my dear.” The older woman leaned over to kiss her cheek, the sharp blue eyes concerned. “I can’t apologize enough that this should have happened while you were in my house. I just don’t understand what got into Kenshin, but I’m going to find it very hard to forgive him.”

“Oh please, you mustn’t say that,” Kaoru protested in dismay. She had no idea what explanation Kenshin had given for taking her away from her nursing duties to work in the vineyard, but she knew she had to do something to heal the breach in his relations with his aunt. She had to tell the truth, even if it did mean losing Yoshida Soseki’s friendship.

“I’m afraid your nephew has very good reason for thinking badly of me – as you will too when you know.” She looked down at her bandaged hands lying idly in her lap, not wanting to see the shock and revulsion on her employer’s face. “Ten years ago, I did something so utterly unforgivable…” She bit her lip, then went on purposefully, “I got drunk at a party, took someone’s car without permission, and while I was driving it, I–I killed a child.”