Disclaimer: If you try to describe happiness: it's something intangible that slips through the cracks of your fingers. (Ayumi Hamsaki, Far Away)

Altered Memory

Chapter 2 – Part II: Resolutions and New Relations

The walls of her bedroom were white, the carpet a pleasant shade of green while the duvet cover on the double bed and the matching curtains were in a pretty flower-sprigged cotton, giving the room a delightful freshness and femininity.

Meg indicated a door leading off. “That’s your bathroom. All the rooms have their own.”

Knowing that Meg would expect a response, Kaoru forced her stunned brain into action. “It’s beautiful, Meg.”

“I’ll call you when tea’s ready,” Meg said, smiling.

As the door closed behind the housekeeper, Kaoru sank down on to the edge of the bed and stared at her pathetic pile of luggage. Was it going to be worthwhile unpacking it? But if she left here, where would she go? And how would she get there anyway? And if she did leave, what possible excuse could she give to Mrs. Soseki, especially after that lady’s kind welcome?

Why, oh why had fate played such an incredibly erratic trick, she wondered frantically, bringing her path back to cross that of Kenshin Himura again? She must be jumping to conclusions, surely she must. It would be just too much coincidence if Yoshida Soseki’s nephew really was the same man she had known years ago, the man she once loved so much.

And yet in her bones, she knew it was. It was unlikely there could be two Kenshin Himuras, especially as Merrifields couldn’t be more than thirty miles away from Nunsford. Visits to Merrifields over the years over the years had made her aware that the Himuras had other business interests besides farming the land outside the house, and what could be more natural than Kenshin taking an interest in his aunt’s vineyard after that aunt had been widowed?

The panic-stricken thoughts scurrying in circles around her head brought her to her feet again to pace the floor and finally to sink to the window seat and press her heated forehead against the cool glass. Slowly, the peace and quiet of the scene before her began to restore her logic and reason to her shocked mind.

Of course, she couldn’t just walk out of this job. Yoshida Soseki needed her. Having met her, Kaoru could see now why Dr. Genzai had been pleased with the arrangement. Kaoru didn’t credit herself with having worked the ‘miracle’ Meg had commented on. It had been her patient’s compassionate nature that had prompted her to capitulate without argument into taking her rest, knowing Kaoru herself needed to rest too. And while she continued to believe Kaoru needed looking after, she would be easy to persuade into following her doctor’s instructions, if only to set a good example to her nurse.

And perhaps she had panicked unnecessarily, Kaoru thought as the shock of Meg’s in knowing revelation receded. It had all happened so long ago, her infatuation and Kenshin’s rejection. There might be some embarrassment when they meet again but it would all be on her side, and surely she could handle it, now she was a mature woman? Kenshin would almost certainly have forgotten it anyway, even if finding her here in his aunt’s home reminded him of the terrible thing she had done that had changed her way of life so radically. The prospect of his possible displeasure at meeting her again was something she didn’t relish, but would nevertheless have to bear.

Coming to the decision that there would be no running away, that having committed herself to Yoshida Soseki’s well-being she would have to see it through whatever difficulties Kenshin Himura’s presence presented.

She walked to the dressing table to gaze at herself in the mirror as a thought struck her. There was always the chance that Kenshin Himura wouldn’t even recognize her! Her hair had been longer then, much longer. But it had to be cut when she was in the hospital, her hair looked unfamiliar even to her. Then, her face had been childishly rounded, her figure sleekly well fed. Now, there were hollows where none had been before, her cheek and jaws sharply defined, especially when she was tired. There was no longer any youthful optimism shining in her eyes, either. That had been quenched for good that terrible night of Misao’s party.

Even her name had changed. Kaoru Kamiya would perhaps mean nothing to the man who had known her as Kaoru Mishima.

Even though her mind was still too unsettled to sleep, Kaoru lay down on her bed after she had finished her unpacking until Meg called her. She found her employer better rested and after they had drunk the tea and eaten some of the delicious biscuits Meg had served to them, Mrs. Soseki proposed a stroll in the gardens to show Kaoru around. “Though you’ll need a coat, my dear. The wind’s still keen even though the sun’s shining,’ Yoshida said as she looked at Kaoru’s light cotton jacket.

Kaoru was forced to admit she didn’t have anything more substantial, explaining, “I’ve spent so little time in England in recent years I never bothered to replace my old overcoat.”

“Never mind, I’m sure we’ll find you something.” Mrs. Soseki made her way slowly to the downstairs cloakroom where she took a sheepskin jacket from a peg. “If you’ll just help me into this…”

Kaoru held it while she shrugged her arms into the sleeves, then her employer pointed to a much larger jacket. “”You can borrow that for now. It belongs to my nephew; it’ll keep the wind out.”

The knowledge that the sheepskin jacket belonged to Kenshin that accounted for the shiver that ran through her as she drew it around her.

They played chess after dinner that night, and when Kaoru won easily, Mrs. Soseki exclaimed, “Where did you earn to play like that? I thought I was pretty good, but you wiped the board with me.”

“Nonsense, you were the worthiest opponent I’ve had in a long time. And I’ve had a lot of practice.” Her smile was impish. “Out in the African bush with only a lamp for lighting, there’s not much choice of leisure-time activities.”

There was curiosity about her nurse’s former way of life in Yoshida’s blue eyes but all she said was, “No TV or cinemas, you mean? Well, I’ll look on that as my gain. Now I know what I’m up against, I demand a return game.”

She began to set the pieces out again but Kaoru glanced at the businesslike watch on her wrist and saw it was already 10:00. “Perhaps we’ve both had enough for one day, Mrs. Soseki,” she suggested tactfully.

About to object, Yoshida noticed the tiredness in the girl’s eyes. “You’re right, of course. My revenge will have to wait until tomorrow. Call Meg and tell her we’re going up, will you, dear?”

Kaoru crossed the hall and found her way to the kitchen. Meg followed her back to the sitting room, and Sano as well. The reason became apparent as Sano carefully gathered Mrs. Soseki into his arms and carried her upstairs to deposit her on the edge of the bed.

“Will you be needing me tonight, Mrs. Yoshida?” Meg glanced at Kaoru uncertainly.

But tired as she was, Kaoru was determined to do the job she was being paid for. “Perhaps you could get Mrs. Soseki hot milk, Meg.” The housekeeper nodded her head.

Kaoru had her employer comfortably settled in bed by the time Meg returned with a steaming mug on a tray. “I’ve left your drink in your room, Kaoru. It should be cool enough by the time you’re in bed yourself.” The tone of her voice brooked no argument, and Kaoru felt unable to protest that she didn’t expect Meg to wait on her.

She noticed a bottle of tablets on the bedside table. She picked them up, reading the instructions on the label as she asked, “Hadn’t you better swallow a couple of these with your milk?”

Mrs. Soseki flicked a hand at them dismissively. “They’re only painkillers and I only take them when necessary. “I don’t believe in allowing myself to become dependent on any drug.”

From the gallant little lady’s pallor and from the stiff set of her mouth, Kaoru guessed her patient was in pain, even though she wouldn’t admit it.

“You’re quite right, of course,” she said craftily. “I think it’s time I stopped taking the tablets the hospital prescribed for me.” They were a mild sleeping tablet only meant to be taken if the nightmares that had plagued her first few weeks recurred, but she didn’t explain that.

“Do you think that’s wise, Kaoru?” Mrs. Soseki said at once. “If the doctor thinks you need–” she broke off, blue eyes meeting deliberately innocent blue ones. “Touché!” she said wryly. “You’d better pass me my dose if I’m expected to set a good example.”

Kaoru couldn’t help but respond to the twinkle in Yoshida’s eyes with a conspiratorial smile of her own. She had promised not to be starchy and bossy but she hadn’t promised not to get her own way by other means necessary, and what was a bit of gentle blackmail if it ensured her patient a good night’s rest?

“Is there anything more I can do for you before I say good night, Mrs. Soseki?”

“Yes, there is, my dear,” she said quietly. “I’d like you to see us as two friends helping each other, rather than nurse and patient. And I’d like you to call me Yoshida.”

Unexpected tears stung Kaoru’s eyes. “Thank you,” she said huskily. “I’ll be proud to have you as a friend– Yoshida.”

As Kaoru was climbing into her own bed, she was struck with a distasteful thought. If Kenshin Himura recognized her and told his aunt of the guilty secret in her past, would Yoshida Soseki wish she hadn’t offered her friendship?

The next day set a pattern, Kaoru taking all the duties of looking after her employer that Meg had previously performed. Yoshida made no more objections against following her doctor’s instructions, knowing Kaoru had to follow hers too, and the feeling of oneness in the gentle conspiracy drew them even closer together.

By the fourth day, there was still no mention of Kenshin’s return to Vine House. Kaoru was beginning to tell herself she had worried for nothing. Perhaps his visits would be so brief and infrequent she might not even meet him.

Sano had run them into Framlingham that afternoon. As Yoshida paid a visit to her hairdresser, Kaoru browsed in a second-hand bookshop. Going up to her room to tidy herself before dinner that evening, she glanced at the battered old volume she had bought because the illustrations of old English houses and gardens had appealed to her, and was thrilled to find one of the photographs was actually of Vine House. Excitedly, she carried the book with her downstairs to show her employer.

“Yoshida, look what I’ve f–” Her voice broke off in a strangled gasp and the excited animation drained out of her face as a red-haired figure lounging on one of the sofas rose slowly to his feet, and for Kaoru, time spun in a dizzying spiral back ten years.